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2003-04-20 4 9:07 p.m.
i think for me @ least, Radiohead's Amnesiac is on the level of OKComputer. of the four "Customers who bought this item also bought..." records listed for that album, i own three. the CD though...it speaks 2 me that much, from start 2 finish...especially start. especially start...
Hail to the Thief is still growing on me...
my internet connection is only decent in the first quarter of the day; early morning & thass it. everything else is bogged down by the rest of the mammoth network...
apparently i'm no longer an engineer. transfer went thru or sumthin'. this is bigger news than i'm making it out 2b, & i'm more thankful than i pretend. those r both facts. dispute as you will...
i'm wearing a polo shirt inside out w/ the collar turned up in the computer lab. *looks around*...i think the cookiecutter Caucasian girl next 2 me is actually quaking.
Amnesiac, huh?
ha. i've forgotten a whole lot over the last few weeks...much i've done, much i've said. i've neglected writing for...well, i don't have an excuse. i've just neglected writing...
my arms are healing real nicely; they heal better when you leave 'em be rather than irritating them w/ concurrent slashes. i'm learning huh? haven't quite got the urges under supression...they still come/go.
i been seeing the counsellor. 2 visits in 2 weeks. i'm doing good & regular. i pretend he's helping me. he pretends 2 take interest. we have a great understanding. in 3 weeks the semester's up & he leaves, so...
we'll see.
i'm supposed 2 go 2 student health 2 talk 2 a headshrinker abt medicine. i think perhaps i'm scared, but i wont admit it. not scared of the medicine though...scared of myself, mostly.
i should be typing a paper right now...or @ least researching it...
2 finals, 3 papers & a presentation...i hate endings. this might be a happy one though, we'll c.
the clouds have been circling -- been fending them off like a futhermucker, but i'm not sure for how long. depression is a fact, says the counsellor dude -- for me @ least, & it'll come...sometime. better to accept & deal widdit than front & not. wise words i guess. i've hesitated greatly 2 call it depression until now -- even when i did so before, it was almost exclusively in jest. i don't like 2 diagnose myself; seems pretentious & hypochondriac-ish.
been dealing w/a lotta anger issues of late though; funnily enough i aint the only one, so i see. maybe it's that time o' the year for folks -- sorta like bein' in heat, but w/ no testosterone/estrogen involved. i'm learning 2 just chill & let it smolder though...becomin' a master @ manipulating my outside demeanour, 2b diametrically opposed 2 what i'm feeling inside. rage w/in becomes bored, aloof & disinterested w/out.
been feelin' like a guru...it's been funny -- arriving @ spots w/ my merchandise & givin' folks they fix...step right up, step right up yo, i got that sickness u been 'spectin', hot off the burner just like you likes; whuss ya preference? lil' brother, bjork, gza, strokes, radiohead, buckley, ani, wilco, marley, the cure, ghostface, the white stripes, hendrix, aesop, beck, miles, el-p, coltrane, tool, mr lif, demigodz...
schoolin' folks sonically...giving lectures...'s crazy. somebody pay me 4 doin' this & i wont even have 2 bother w/ this degree man...just run around bein' an aural educator...
my notebook -- filled w/ half-finished scribbles...
sorta like my life?
can't check out of the hotel just yet...
"Bean stalk where the fiend walk and my name is mud/...But that's got a ring to it so my swill welcomes the flood/...I walk through God's practical joke on man practically broke...And if they raise my rent again I'll spend my nights practically soaked..."
-- Aesop.