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2003-04-25 4 1:17 p.m.
"so...in the end, was it worth it? how irreparably changed my life has become. it's always the last day of summer and i've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. i'll grant you, i've had more than my share of poignant moments...life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. throughout my lifetime, i've left pieces of my heart here and there and now...there's almost not enough to stay alive. but i force a smile, knowing that my ambition...far exceeded my talent. there are no more white horses...or pretty ladies at my door" it's been wild for me mentally for a while now. kinda crazy. things popping off here/there, things not popping off. i skipped the counsellor's meeting last week. my mind's been buzzing. papers & such due; the thorn in my side right now is this english paper that's a weekend past due, but i'm still procrastinatin'. maybe by choice, maybe not. i feel like i'm physically incapable. i'm trying; almost every moment of mine is spent either readin' the frickin' book (Bram Stoker's Dracula) or writing the thing. patrice basically thinks i'm bein' my usual idiot self & wasting time. missed a history final. that's how screwed up my mind is -- i was broke down, w/ tears streamin' & razors in hand so quickly...it's like that was the last straw 4 me, w/ e'thing else happening. 2 weeks ago, i told the counsellor that i could feel the clouds comin' down -- approaching, a whiles away but still comin' along. i gave him a couple corny suggestions as 2 what 2 do 2 alleviate them, & he regurgitated them back @ me. apparently, i haven't given this counselling thing enuff of a chance yet 2 make judgements so i wont. basically tho' it's not helping me. i'm taking the history exam 2morrow. gracious professors r the bomb. me & patrice is getting real cold & distant, but i aint been sayin' nothin'. i mentioned it 2day, & it was theorized/explained away. we'll c how it turns out. i c downward spirals. very much downward...um. been listening 2 a lot. hiphop mixtapes galore, tom waits, assorted wilco. i guess i'm burned out. relationship w/ God is a big part of it -- the fact that the relationship really doesn't exist right now. i'm just floundering & tryna stay afloat best i can. my moms is in baltimore now. we had a real good time while she was down here & i'm thankful she came. burned out is what i feel like...& none of the quick fixes is appealing @ all. patrice is the biggest proponent of medicine; i'm not a fan. i'm not really down 4 messin' w/ my hormones/handling this by popping sum pills rather than tackling the base root, which i still haven't quite determined. but yeah, the load is heavy & the thoughts is quite dark. been writing off/on. summa my best stuff yet, i guess...lotsa ella fitzgerald might be part of it. ella & marvin gaye & 'nem. fiona apple & beck music videos. eminem rapolympics soundbites. yeah, i've been getting around. sumtimes i feel like it's me living thru my music, not my music living thru me. kinda like that intimate relationship b/n me & words, that stephanie talked abt; how my poetry is a conversation b/n me & language, w/ the audience just eavesdropping. i like that thought. i like that thought a lot. for me @ least, my talent far exceeds my ambition -- isn't that original, aye? *catches dripping sarcasm in a bucket* a generation's curse -- the infinite underachievers. those who languish. those w/ potential, yet going...nowhere. no more white horses...or pretty ladies at my door...
-- George Jung, played by Johnny Depp in Blow.