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2003-05-22 4 1:14 p.m.
"...i did not invent the wheel, i was the crooked spoke adjacent..."
(c) Aesop.
i have a prescription 4 a sickness that is torturing me day & night but if i get it filled, i'm not sure i'll be able 2 eat 4 the next few weeks.
there's a conglomerate of campus christians from all the southeast churches in the movement comin' down this weekend & the battle raging w/in my heart's been huge. everyday i pray 4 a softening, but it hasn't come yet -- i don't wanna see nobody, i don't wanna talk 2 anybody. i don't even wanna spit @ wunna the brothers abt my problem 'cuz i'm pre-empting what they'll say & wont be what i wanna hear. i don't even wanna stay in Juan's apartment 'cuz there'll be folk lodging there.
i'm sorry 4 the alienating nature of the last entry; that poem, i can't quite recall where it came from...i just found it in my notebk, & remembered i'd crafted it weeks b4. patrice called it "raw". she's more on point than she knows. i haven't been that blatant in a while.
...writing is sorta frustrating 'cuz nothing new is comin' 2 me. lots of archived material, but it seems...w/ so little stimuli, the secretion flow dries up in the same way.
i have more clothes than i do food 2 eat. u know u're approaching rockbottom when u start complating which material possessions u'll miss least when u pawn 'em off. (i wish i could chuckle & say i was kidding...shame i'm not)
jobsearch is dead/dying.
i can't work offcampus 'cuz i'm not american. but nothing oncampus is turning up vacant positions. i'm getting tired of knocking on doors & hitting the pavement & i've only been doing it intensely for 2 weeks maybe. my proverbial sighs r wearing very thin...
i'm tired of myself.
apparently, my father is 2:
"We brought you up to be independent, intelligent and educated. And you are. We continue to be proud of you regardless of all your initial difficulties in America. But I think there is another part of you that's less independent now. Your dependence on the doctrine of a church and not on Jesus Christ and the bible. Your dependence on the disciples etc. Your inability to get to know more of Vanderbilt University, more of the general student population and be part of study groups, get a job on campus, know more of the city of Nashville, more of America etc. You seem to have grown timid instead of becoming a bold christian, child of God who is curious to discover and conquer God's , your almighty father's world! "
that's his version of an encouraging email. this is the same man who taught me a pack of lies & left me 2 fend 4 my miseducated self, w/ an imitation "Christianity" based on religiosity & rooted in hypocrisy. this is the man who frowned upon my baptism cuz in his eyes i was 'alright'. this is the man...*sigh*
i'm trying real hard 2 ignore the countdown to a slashing that's been ticking away in the dusty attics of my mind's posterior.
don't try this @ home, kids.
i guess i'm learning how 2 stretch pennies tho' right? where did i put that...
...prescription?
"...i'm stubborn as a thousand bornagains avoiding ?estions..."
(c) Aesop.