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2003-06-12 4 11:46 a.m.
the shrink dude said doing it releases chemicals...
hormones i think, in2 yr bloodstream/body & so it actually does constructively help. it's a way of coping. it's messy & wastes tissue though; & considering the fact that i steal tissue from the bathrooms in the engineering building, we can't really afford 2 waste it.
i was mad @ myself afterwards...
really upset. like grit-yr-teeth upset. i'd gone so frickin' long...it'd been months & i was healing up nicely.
i stocked my bag w/ a buncha aural depravity (50, Godsmack, Pun, Chino XL, Copywrite, Dead Prez etc) & literally ran from the apartment.
i'd forgotten how angry & red the skin looks afterwards...
*sigh*. i'm focusing so much on "it" cuz focusing on what caused it is sum'n i can't deal w/ right now. after 2, 3 weeks of mental back & forth, i finally lost the battle. the word "suicide" musta flashed in my mind sum'n like 20 times this week. it's so hard 2 believe in longterm promises when yr short-term present is so chaotic as allgeddout.
i'm helpful 2 noone right now.
all i pray is that i get thru the rest o' the week w/out another incident...
if i can do that...
*wondering how prolonged this particular crash'll be*
the last time it was 3/4 days of consecutive slash/slash.
"i rose w/ the sun this morning --
i'm such a pretentious ol' sob.
sometimes i think(hope?)that i'ma think or analyze or babble myself in2 non-existence. right out've all those lives that i'm so intricately intwined w/.
sometimes i wish for home.
i wish for the future, & perhaps a new past...this time w/out the mistakes, messups & blemishes.
sometimes i just get tired y'know?
just...tired.
i am no energizer bunny.
yet life hasn't been hard enuff 2 have bent my back so...far...out've...alignment.
i make little sense but i'm too young & too foolish to care. pardon my naivette. pardon my pain.
"...By official counts, women in this country become depressed at nearly twice the rate (12 percent each year) as men (7 percent). But scientists no longer trust these figures. What sets men and women apart, many believe, is not vulnerability to depression but the ability to acknowledge it. Manliness, no matter where you live, is tied up with strength, independence, efficiency and self-control. Denying depression may help us feign those virtues, but the cost of denial is huge. How huge? Men commit suicide at four times the rate of women..."
it wasn't competition.
i pardoned her intrusion as she
promised to pardon
my ugliness. we held each other close in
moments of quiet contemplation,
strung up like...
photographs in a dark room.
i had missed her"
-- Me.
"...Don’t assume that taking one of these drugs is somehow a cop-out. Life events may help push us into depression, but the condition itself has a biological basis, and targeting the physiological causes is often the surest way to alleviate it. Changing your biology through sheer grit is like running a marathon with a broken leg. It can be done, but not well..."