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2003-06-27 4 3:08 p.m.
i'm tired of sighing.
that's where i am right now.
stuff has been much more than bearable tho', so i'm thankful 4 that. most of it is simply 'cuz i'm committed 2 thugging my way thru it all i guess. sch & work situations get more dismal w/ each day. i've given up on finding work & the sch is close 2 kicking me out over technicalities. blows my mind how i got in2 complications like this...
but i'm still here.
its 3:30pm & i haven't eaten once today yet. lots of water & a stick of gum have tided me over 'till now...
i guess that's where i've been: tiding over y'know? making my way thru this & that, navigating the gauntlet w/ trusty pencil in hand & penning myself entertainment 'cuz the rekindling of my love 4 books hasn't really happened.
lots of thinking tho': it occurred 2 me that w/ all this rush-rush-rush, get things done, go from here 2 there & don't pause 2 smell a rose lifestyle that we're being forced in2...
...nearly nobody has the time 2 pause & think. just planning, just dreaming, just brainstorming stuff in2 existence. if u can think it, then it can be -- but if all u're thinking is 360 degrees of frickin' stress, duke...that's a whole lotta vacuum u finna materialize.
no confidence. that's another thing i've discovered abt myself. i'm selfish 2 the core,...i'm quite quite confident in my skills & my abilities, but i'm not confident period. that self-belief that i c shining in quite a few strapping cats around me. that's a foreign thing, & i wonder how i missed it. from the youngest of ages, it was drilled in2 my head how great i was & how nothing was beyond my capability...& now i'm thinking...
...i just may have never come 2 believe that. *shakes head*.
the funny thing? i still don't.
perhaps that's where the complacence & apathy sprouts from -- u can't really care when u don't believe u have the ability 2 make a thing happen, right? y jump in2 the fray & tussle when u're the epitome of inability?
i've come a long way. & i'm thankful 4 that...
but there's still so much further 2 go, yo. so much further.
"We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.
You have to laugh and find humor every day.
You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change.
Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."