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2003-07-01 4 2:57 a.m.
"he's beautiful"
-- Nugma.
(but i did)
...thankyou.
like u, that means the world 2 me.
"gangster, gangster -- tell me how u do it"
in many ways, the kid is growing up. i've been learning so much recently -- all b/c of how i've been going after things. i learnt that growth doesn't "happen" 2 u -- u really make it happen. so many cats sit stagnant, wallowing in their present-state & barely move beyond that in a lifetime. those that do r the cause of their own progression. so yeah, 2 a large extent i've taken my own progression in2 my own hands & made it my own responsibility. Patrice thinks/says that i'm doing great spiritually, but it's not s'much that @ all. u do great when u wanna do great. u learn when u wanna learn, study when u want 2, read when u want 2, fight 4 opportunities 2 step outta comfort zones, hear stories & pointers from others...all that happens as u will it. as u will things, so they (will) be. but willing it is an act of yr will, not of yr dreams. an act of yr will, not of yr want. i've been willing a whole lot lately.
another thing is putting what i've been pondering over in2 practice -- like many of the ppl i know, i think overtime...but rarely do i catalog those thoughts or seek 2 apply them or learn from them & so they slip away, like gaseous wisps. slowing down that thought train has done wonders 4 me, just taking the time 2 think. the time 2 ponder, & concentr8. no longer am i rushing thru chapters like i did in the epistles, just devouring knowledge & proud of my progress. instead, i'm making a chapter a day, max & i'm seeing things that i never imagined i'd come across: those pearls of wisdom that e'body "knows" but nobody ever quite "realises". like the fact that Jesus was homeless.
yeah sure, the son o' man aint never had a crib or a pillow but wait. homeless. like them gritty grimy cats i c panhandling on westend. the park bench dukes, bundled up against the elements. like, gutter 2 the maximum. homeless, duke. homeless & focused -- that's an oxymoron if i ever heard o' one, & yet a fact.
the things u read when u just slow up the speed a lil'; pump the brakes a little & let stuff marin8 in yr dome a little.
i broke my shaving virginity on saturday. i'd messed around w/ razors b4 -- no suprises there -- i even remember playing w/ wunna my pops' jawns when i was madd little & having blood everywhere in the sink. thank God this time was more successful -- i was so enamoured w/ the baby-fresh, cleanshaven look afterwards i think i may do this on the regular. i guess it was sum'n i naively expected my pops 2 pass down 2 me; on sum rites of passage stuff. but when u're thousands of miles away, that doesn't quite...pop off. no pun intended.
the follicle clearing was 'cuz we were preaching the day after; me, juan & sean. informal cuz it was a campus service, in the public park but it was still nerve-wracking 4 me. apparently i survived it cuz i had the stream coming up 2 me afterwards w/ props; accepting compliments, in any situation, is wunna the hardest things 2 do. but i had a really ill time 'cuz i got 2 impart sum of what i'd been learning in my slowed-down personal studies. the hardest hitting pt was sum'n i'd never read b4 & that made a few ppl in the crowd gasp:
"Freely you have received, freely give."
^^^ matthew 10. & when i 1st read that, sumtime earlier in the week i sat there 4 minutes just contemplating -- when have i ever not wanted 2 receive? when have i seriously asked not 2b blessed w/ things, not 2b given stuff, not 2b helped out: oh God, i dont need no financial aid this semester. oh Juan, thanks 4 the offer but i think i'll rough it in the park this summer...that couch aint necessary. no mom & dad, please keep yr love 2 yrself. ??? no, it's never worked that way. yes i've refused gifts, but never in absolute dire need. but do i give that way? esp in a country like this; where our own extravagance & forced-opulence leads us in2 negative wealth. how often am i giving w/out restrictions? w/out a safety net? w/out keeping a lil' back 4 this & that?
...& i've had 2 take sum steps back 2 analyze myself. in so many ways. my committment 2 this whole Christ thing; how hot the hand is @ the moment. have i been on pt? have my motives been pure? have i been ashamed? have i been politically correct? have i backed down from convictions so i don't step on frickin' toes? where exactly am i...?
& it's been a journey.
studying islam 4 the first time -- been sharing w/ a muslim who's madd shaky on her convictions, & doing the research was an experience. u can't dismiss sum'n until u've immersed yrself in it, honestly. narrow-mindedness disappoints me, & logical, unbiased sensbility is the bread & butter of how i exist. things have been eye-opening.
being put thru the tests i'm encountering, & having 2 stick my chest out & maintain in spite of it all is wunna the biggest growing experiences point blank. what doesn't kill u makes u bitter first & stronger afterwards, right? & i'm fighting real hard 4 the strength...
there's a sensible-- rather than bitter, irreverent & untrusting -- cynicism developing out of it all. an awareness of how little is ever gonna be given 2 me, regardless of who i am -- physically (family, race, looks, asthma), spiritually ("baby Christian", a disciple, a student), emotionally (fragile, depressive, self-mutilating, infantile in character) & everything else in b/n. i'm gonna have 2 will things in2 existence. i'm gonna have 2 do me, have 2 blaze a trail, have 2 strike it out & sqeeze every ounce of blood sweat AND tears (lots of THEM) i have in this fragile heart of mine. i can trust ppl, but i can't always trust in ppl -- not b/c they're shady or sheist, but b/c they're human.
& so am i.
hence i refuse 2 point fingers, criticize or accuse. help is all i can do. 'cuz i've been here & i've been there & i've been given a lot. freely i received, so freely i'll give.
school is still ugly, but i can deal. emotions r getting pissy & pessimistic again. loneliness comes & goes, but i can deal. haven't written a lick in quite a bit, but i'm still here. my parents r struggling financially & my chest is ejecting brownish-green chunks that make me talk like a frog gargling marbles & breathe, laboured like the wind whistling thru spindly tree limbs. but as long as i thug my way thru it all...
i can deal.
lol...& next time i do sum'n "crazy" like shave the little facial hair that i DID have, could sumbody tell me abt the repurcussions yo? this junk ITCH man...dang...