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2003-07-05 4 3:28 a.m.
"under my nails is dirty; look @ the grime..."
-- Nas.
the dj honda remix of mos def's "travelling man" uses the same sample that nas' "last word" uses. wunna the only non-throwaway tracks off that nastradamus album. i love that sample...
i freestyled my way 2 sch yesterday; poetry. first time i'd actually gone off the cuff w/ poetry rather than rhymes, & it was an experience. fun. broken up intermittently w/ prayer, it makes the 45 min walk 2 campus less arduous.
i shaved again, too. that day i walked in2 McD's & the woman behind the counter flipping freakin' burgers asks me...
"r u eating this here?"
"mhm."
"by yrself?"
*unsure smile*. "uh, yeah..."
"really? r u grown?"
*blink*.
dang, woman -- i left the teenage years months ago, doesn't anybody realize that? *shrugging*. it'll grow back in soon 'nuff. being mistaken 4 a toddler is amusing, but still on the wrong side of the pleasant-fence. it reminds me of this pretense stuff i try 2 shove outta my mind; the cliche & quite typical "i'm just pretending w/ this grownup stuff." only, i really am pretending. i'm not breezing thru on the cakewalk tip, & playing mindgames w/ myself. this is for serious.
i owe myself sum writing. i've been screwing w/ my sleep schedule again; 5 & 6am bedtimes don't mix well w/ the imminent summer sch that's rounding the horizon. i think i start monday -- haven't even got my classes official yet. my parents have enuff scrilla 2 pay 4 either summer sch or my junior college year. they're springing 4 summer sch ("either go 2 summerschool or kiss goodbye 2 yr toptier university, nigga" was what the letter said. no, i'm serious.) & counting on a reimbursement from the sch 4 the regular 2 semesters after. funny thing is, when u're explicitly told that there's no $ in the budget 4 international students taking summer sch, that kinda makes a reimbursement...just a tad unlikely.
plus is my mindst8 in the scheme&study zone right now? hardly. hard-freaking-ly, bucko. by my calculations, it's gonna cost more than they(the.parents)'re giving me too. um, yeah.
Ratpackslim: how are u. man?
me: i'm living fam, i am. i'm learning so much & growing such a great deal, i cant complain. character, knowledge, the whole 9. changing day by day, & being refined by these hard times.
me: i'm doing summer sch starting next week so i'm psyching up 4 that also. just tryna go hard, ignore a lotta troubles (eg financial) & leave the rest 2 God.
Ratpackslim: there ya go
Ratpackslim: it's a sobering time, i'm sure
Ratpackslim: but i have faith in ya
lots of thinking. i've stopped carrying the discman around 'cuz it's that serious. just letting my own thoughts be my soundtrack 2 the day. i wrote pitter patter part deux w/ radiohead's amnesiac playing in my ears & rain pouring down. since then, i let my mind roll amileaminute & the earphones stay in the backpack. when i'm outta the house, instead i just wanna ponder 4 a little while. a day or 2, a week, maybe more. months even, who knows. but it's a whole 'nother zone 4 me...2b delving in2 my own mind, mulling over things & indulging my mental. consequently, it also means serious struggles against this depression thing. the mutilation (*winces @ the mention of the word*) urges come & go. the sadness comes & goes. loneliness too. it's funny 'cuz i have sum1 who loves me & i love 'er back, so that's really not even an issue. i can't define it well, b/c it's not regular loneliness but that's the closest word 2 it, so there -- i tag it that.
the slightest loosening of the reigns on me & i start bugging tho. my returns 2 the house after a day of milling around on & around campus have stretched out later & later. it's pushing 10pm now, esp since Juan rolled out 2 mississippi 4 the weekend -- i was pointedly & enthusiastically invited...nearly begged 2 go but @ the last minute i, like the punk that i tend2b, declined. i'd rather stay behind & mope/mentally-exert, huh? i'm wasting words -- i keep telling myself that, as i let concepts, poems & even novel-ideas slip thru my fingers 4 the sake of indifference & lethargy.
& the purity has sucked bad (no pun, really). the frolick-flashbacks r comin' down like a mickeyfickey & i have very little 2 combat 'em. my resolve 2 fight is upping & downing; undulating off the chain. being a hypocrisy-riddled sheep was so much easier, man...*dry chuckle*.
"memories...don't live like ppl do"
-- Mos Def.
i feel like i'm a 6yr old walking in his father's Doc Marten's w/ old socks & newspaper stuffed in the front. badly done imagery 4 a badly done masquerade. wunna the weightiest issues sitting b/n my shoulder blades right now is accountability -- parenthood is really just vicarious living 4 the selfish & sparsely entertained aint it? i mean really. the kid having 2 measure up, 2 impress, 2 please, 2 fulfill dreams...
dude, i thought iiiiiiiiii was living this jawn? y can't i sever all ties & not have 2 break yr heart w/ my own failure? don't u c the qualifying word there? "my", not "yours". let me fall flat on my face w/out feeling the shame-pangs of a guilt-ridden underachiever once in a while, huh?
"we both on assignment 2 unearth the diamond"
-- Mos Def.
...like i said, 2 much thinking -- & not enuff writing. Baraka's autobio went over my head; intellectuals switch ideologies like Jenni Lo switches (leading) men & my lower-gear, less sophisticated mind really can't keep up. i've got Khalil Gibran's "TheProphet" too & i've barely leafed thru it. Giovanni's "QuiltingTheBlkEyedPea" & i'm only a few poems deep. an anthology of Nuyorican poetry sits in the corner besides the blk adidas shelltoes i pick up w/ much more frequency. i'm just not the bookworm type, huh? i may just have 2 cry uncle & submit.
there -- another example of my pathetic, pretense-founded life...attempting 2 duck behind vocabulary, eloquence, aesop rock & bjork in a poorly done impression of intellectualism. (pardon my cynicism, this is the old me pulling thru like a silver-lined cloud b4 the sun belches out its symphony of humidity).
y don't i believe in my self as much as the rest of my possee seems 2? i'm the..."smaht kid" (c) Karas...who contemplates taking that 5G's of summer sch money & becoming a hobo 4 the next 60 possible years of life i have left. i actually thought the same thoughts when all i had was 500 in the account. i mean, how many times has each one of us considered making a bolt 4 it? 4 good? 2 cut ties & give ourselves the mental/social/emotional rebirth we wax poetic abt & dream of, in tentative punk-invented fantasies? "baby, we were born to run." (c) Vizza of dland fame. born i tell u. born.
Ratpackslim: absolutely, eli. man, i dug up that joint i wrote for u the other day...
me: *smiles*
Ratpackslim: that was fun to write
me: ha...as r all dedications.
Ratpackslim: but i mean that shit, bro...
Ratpackslim: u have real skills
Ratpackslim: and insight
Ratpackslim: and i'm the poster child for working twice as hard
Ratpackslim: and i think u can do it.
...did i say born already?