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2003-07-14 4 9:49 p.m.
"I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to anymore..."
-- difficult.diaryland.com
...except God. & i know that's the reason y i'm still hanging on here, y'know? hope. arguably human being's best & worst quality; both strength & weakness @ once.
Nugs says: u do know me inside/out, i aint even gonna try and front that...u know me better than i know myself, its only fair if i get to know abt 2% abt u. and there always soo many questions i ask myself abt u, that i dont have answers for...
i dreamt last night. maybe 3/4 dreams in the same sleep-span. i was coughing up a lung most of the night -- had 2 keep opening the car's passenger door & stoplights 2 spew the gunk out.
in the dream...
all i remember was clouds...
charcoal-dark, covering the entire sky...& foreboding & a bit of panic. a storm. a house. me...
& little else.
omi tutu: how old are you and when is your birthday?
me: just turned 20 in march. i feel like an anorexic 12 yr old on a football field tho. unprepared 4 the beatdown that = the.real.world.
me: poetry is how i pretend 2 be grownup. poets r the only ones that buy the act.
omi tutu: i'll let you in on a secret about us magic people...somethin about the 18 1/2-20 or so...is just rough as hell
omi tutu: i dunno why
omi tutu: but it seems to just be a hellacious time
i curled up in the Hunter's house Sunday afternoon & cried, alone, while e'body else was downstairs laughing & chattering & watching DVD's. a trickle or 2, not a torrent. i ransacked their bathroom cabinets/drawers in a fruitless & stupid search too. i guess nobody ever shaves in guest bathrooms...
"a storm. a house. me...
& little else."
viparysa: how goes the life of the mind?
me: that's the hardest part. not so good right now. the last day/2 have been severe close calls...
me: i'm hurting, & i havent been 4 a while so it's doubly hard.
viparysa: psyche-wise?
me: *nods*
me: psyche-wise.
i feel like i've had 2 many chances; more than i deserve. & eventually they'll stop coming my way. i feel like i don't wanna stick around 4 when that time comes...i don't want a tomorrow. 2day is hard enuff. i don't want a morning...give me a never-ending night & the insomnia from hell. give me a pencil, a pad & heartache. but let the bus stop here...
me: i'm uglier than all of them put 2gether...
me: i'm just pretty on the outside...i make beautiful masks...
nuggusto: No...i refuse to accept that
me: i can understand that.
me: but then..
me: u're on the other side of the mask. i have 2 live on this side of it. my side...