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2003-07-18 4 11:31 p.m.
"when i'm lying in my bed...i think about life & i think about death...& neither one particularly appeals to me..."
u were right Nugma, & i was wrong. or...not so much 'wrong' as 'in denial'. it's more serious than i've been assuming or trying 2 make out. things have been ugly, & instead of getting better they simply get worse. the emotions they see-saw, & i'm just hurting so much & so consistently...i can barely explain it. it's like the bottomless pit i used 2b in is swelling up larger than the crack it's been reduced 2...
i didn't eat 2day. i drank water & cut. it's never been so much @ one time.
& after 4, 5 weeks of being free...
*sigh*.
i don't want 2 deal w/ ppl right now...
i've stopped answering the phone...
& talking in general.
& apparently, after 2day; eating...
i don't know y i'm so sad. i don't know y i'm becoming w/drawn & tortured all over again. i don't know y i had 2 pick myself up off the carpet & find tissues 4 both parts of me that were leaking. i don't know y i'm spinning out of control, & this cloud is crushing me 2 the ground. all i know is that it's destroying me...pCe by pCe. mentally, emotionally, spiritually...
i'm..."sick of being sick".
& i'm sick of trying...
4 everybody else except myself.
"Some days I don't wanna be seen
...
..
.
...Then what the fk happens?"
(c) Joe Budden, "10 minutes"
(c) The.Smiths
And some days I don't shower, I don't wanna be clean
Look, sometimes the truth could hurt you
So I blow my cig smoke right at the "Truth" commercials
Some days I don't wanna be bothered
Some days I just miss my father
And even if by a miracle he makes it half way out
It won't be parole y'all, it be the half way house
but NAH...
That's not the right path for a Budden
Cuz we're addicts; addicts can't do half of nothin'
Some days I'm reachin for the thing in the dresser
Some days I'm not invincible and I feel the pressure
Like if everyone's dependin on me, and I just...stop