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2003-07-23 4 1:23 p.m.
's gotta get worse 'fore it gets better...
right?
"sitting in my glass house
i think i'm gonna stay in today...
...yeah.
life just keeps gettin harder
i'm just tryna do the best i can, i guess. right now, that's all i can do -- manage & maintain. my scabs r peeling, & that makes it look really ugly & conspicuous. i'm blessed w/ skin of a dark hue so it all doesn't show up in such a marked way...
things. things aren't great. yesterday, or the day b4 -- i can't quite remember -- juan had 2 wake me outta my sleep 2 ask me if i was ok. 'cuz my breathing was so bad, he couldn't keep walking by & hearing that sound...when it gets like that, it's like wind whistling thru tree limbs. this high pitched whine. i'm using my inhaler 4, 5 times a day. what's causing it i'm not sure. i blacked out this morning -- i collapsed while i was standing in eugene's room. crashed in2 the tv & boxes on the floor & stuff. i came to w/ juan standing next 2 me, asking ?estions & really worried. that's never happened b4, ever. whether that's the asthma or not, i'm not sure.
i survive the nights w/ music -- i found a cure 4 the insomnia in that, but it's murder in battery costs. sleeping on the carpet, w/ a sheet wrapped around me, a sofa cushion under my head & earphones on. nightly ritual...last night it took longer than usual, tho -- i almost went thru the entire Plastic Castle album b4 i nodded off. sumhow i always wake up sans earphones...haven't quite figured that one out yet. laying down 4 close 2 an hr waiting 4 sleep 2 come gives u a lotta time 2 think -- it's now a nightly struggle 2 keep myself in my little encampment, boxed in b/n the furniture, away from the bathroom & my little travelling bag in the left drawer. i lost the struggle 2ice this past week, & that makes every successive day really count.
my parents...i really, i dunno. i can't or i wont, whichever it is doesn't matter -- but i'm not telling them abt any of this. my mom knows a little abt the sadness, but the whole account would make no sense 2 either of them. it still doesn't make sense 2 me, & i'm experiencing it.
i think a lot. i think abt writing; i ponder & i desire, but i haven't anything 2 say. that's never been a problem b4, y'know -- i just improvised. out've improv came a lotta great pCes, but not right now. i think abt my future...i think being an author...abt making music sumhow...i think abt being a social worker...i think abt being housed & secure. *smiles*...& i think abt the past. i've been doing that a lot. i have 20 full years behind me that i've lived, & that's a lot of memories...england, ghana, liberia, canada, italy, togo, ivory coast. little pCes of me left behind there, if only culled from a day or 2, a month, a year. being a child. sans worries, sans concern. i go on mindtrips walking 2 sch -- that's almost 45 minutes of blissful recollection, broken up by sociology reading & prayer. less prayer these days. i've been w/drawing...
the school. my parents sent me an email telling me they've jacked up the costs 4 the fall from about 4 to 9G's. we're already paying abt 2.5 for this summer sociology class. we don't have 9000 dollars. my father ended his last email w/...
"...if you think you want to come home to finish the course here in Ghana it is okay with us. We love you plenty, plenty. Dad"
...i'm almost ready to agree w/ him, succumb & leave. i'm almost tired of fighting -- tired of having 2 try so hard 2 even stay in this country, let alone stay in the college. almost tired of going 2 my assigned financial aid advisor & hearing "i'd love 2 help u & i could if only u weren't an international student". almost tired of putting in such effort, when it feels like i'm filling a black hole. almost tired of paying 4 this & that & cutting back almost every shred of expenditure 2 scratch 2gether all the pennies i can. this whole america thing was a failed experience; that's what they feel. they started saying it @ the end of last year, they said it in the spring, they're feeling it again now. i'm almost tired & ready 2 throw it all in. almost.
i'd like them 2b proud of me. 4 my mom 2 leave earth w/out that having been achieved is wunna my biggest fears. even in little things, i know i've disappointed them -- but "succeeding", whateva the frick that entails...that would make up 4 it all, yknow? makeup 4 her westernized african son who can't speak any ghanaian languages. makeup 4 her son the academic eagle who botched his way thru his a'level exams & barely scraped in2 this ivy league college. makeup 4 her son the aspiring 'computer scientist' who turned on them, turned on the plan & like so many corrupted & influenced africans...went 'soft'. went english or theatre or sum such garbage. creative writing...what was he thinking?!
i'd like them 2b proud of me.
it's more important than me being proud of me even -- which right now, isn't a real-ity nor a prior-ity. i don't even see it as a possibil-ity.
9000 dollars.
in cedis, that's more than 72 million.
they want me not 2 worry, but instead have hope...which, suprisingly, i do. i've been working @ it. this entire journey is a series of gifts that i've been blessed w/, strung 2gether w/ the thread of fortune & favour. looking back @ how it's gone, i shoulda been outta here long ago. but, 9000 dollars. gosh.
"i have earned my disillusionment"
6 days ago, i was kneeling over the armless chairs & weeping, ashamed & alone. 5 days ago, i was on the carpet, in the darkness, clutching paper napkins from McDonalds 2 my arm & dabbing @ the red. 3 days ago, i was washing annie's dishes @ her apartment, trying 2 stay out've solitude, aka trouble. today, i'm here in the computer lab tryna make sense of it all. tomorrow? i'm not sure. i've taken 2 doing little things 2 make me happy...
a corn dog @ sonic...
putting down the required reading, 2 watch a sitcom or two...
burning CD's...maybe 15-20 a week.
whatever it takes.
2 make tomorrow come a little more quickly.
"& if you think you know
yeah i guess
i'm doing fine..."
while your ghost is sleeping down the hall
watching little birds fly...
kamikaze missions into the wall
sit on my couch &
watch
them
fall
& it keeps getting harder to hide
the darker it is around me
the easier it is to see inside"
-- Ani
-- Ani.
what i'm doing wrong,you're gonna
have to get in line...
and for the purposes of this song,
let's just say i'm doing fine...
-- Ani
