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2003-07-28 4 3:03 p.m.
it's been a while since i sent u guys an email, but i was real glad 2 talk 2 u all on the phone last week. the Badoes came by on the weekend & i had a great time w/ them, just talking -- sharing a little of how things have been, as well as hearing about their trip to the northern states. they brought me some jollof rice & chicken which was a great guesture that i thanked from profusedly for. their care & concern is completely evident, & they continue 2 be a great support 2 me.
i haven't been doing too great -- the most pressing thing is my asthma, which for the last 4/5 weeks has been seriously hindering me in most of what i do. inspite of constantly taking the Advair, i'm now having 2 use my ventolin on an almost daily basis -- sometimes as severe 4/5 times in a day. my guess is that this stems from the chest infection i had around june which i fought off on my own w/out going 2 student health, as well as staying the whole summer in an apartment that my lungs object 2. on wednesday while inhaling my advair & holding my breath, i blacked out & collapsed on the floor. today i went 2 student health. & they've prescribed allegra (an allergy medicine for sinuses), singulair and flonase. the doctor said i probably passed out from so much lack of oxygen in my body, & then holding my breath on top of that. in her opinion, we need 2b taking an even more aggressive approach 2 my asthma b/c it's gotten quite severe, & even the 3/4 times a year i've been seeing them is too frequent for an asthmatic. if all this medication doesn't work, she says she'll refer me to the allergist for allergy injections.
this in addition 2 everything else i've been handling has really taken a toll on me, & i'm hoping u guys can understand that. the list of smaller issues is endless -- i haven't slept in a bed since may 10th, 10cent noodles r my staple diet..from dealing with roommate issues, to simply being alone, to balancing 50 pages of reading a day with papers to write (i have one due tomorrow) & tests...a lot has been on my plate & shoulders, & the uncertainty of and frustration about my school situation simply increases this. i'm having 2 fight just to be here & fight 2 overcome all the hurdles presented 2 me -- being an international student & even simply having 2 face things on my own, in this culture of independence. i go from frustrated to desperate to sad to lonely to overwhelmed to angry...the whole emotional spectrum, & my only real solace is the comfort & strength God gives me, in prayer, in his words & in brothers & sisters down here. in everything i do, i push myself w/ the motivation that i need 2 make my parents proud & give them the joy of seeing their son "suceed" in life. y do i write all this? not as a cry for help, or even a request 2 come back home. it's a request 4 understanding -- it's an explanation 2 u guys of what i've been going thru, partly b/c as u assure me, i never open up 2 u enough & partly b/c knowing all this may help u better deal w/ me.
i have felt great love, prayer, encouragement & advice from u guys all the while i've been here, but i've also felt discouragement, disappointment & other hurtful things. i'll never believe it was yr intention 2 carry this across, but it has happened & continues 2 happen nevertheless. it comes 2 the point where, when i want 2b berated 4 my tardiness in sending emails or dealing w/ dean bergquist; accused of "passivity" in making friends or handling issues here; told that i'm in a cult & have been preyed upon -- having my life dictated by church leaders; have my effort & dedication 2 my studies maligned/denigrated & get discouraged & made sad...when i want 2 hear/experience these things, those r the times when i come 2 u. yes, much of what u say stems from love, care & wisdom but it doesn't prevent u from sometimes doing wrong by me. often, i only call or email when i feel i can handle whatever one of the above instanceswill be given out 2 me on that day -- when i feel strong enough 2 deal w/ them. b/c of these things, the thought of seeking comfort in my times of need from my parents is smthg i no longer even consider, & that really saddens me.
i hope u understand a little bit of my situation now, & perhaps the reasons 4 some of the things i do/dont do, which displease or frustrate u. i hope it's smthg that has an effect, & isn't, as i fear, brushed off. i'm committed 2 being here, committed 2 fighting 4 my position here -- academically, spiritually, physically, emotionally -- & committed 2 trying my best 2 finish this college & leave w/ a decent degree, but all i can do is "my best." i send my love, & continue 2 pray all the time 4 the whole family. thankyou 4 yr constant care & support -- i'll try to keep you updated w/ more frequency...
love,
yr eldest son...
-- Eli.