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2003-07-31 4 3:50 p.m.
edit: 12.53pm, the day after
the calm b4 the storm? whut abt the calm after the storm...or during the storm; the storm's pupil...dilated & blinking, ugly & glaring. thass whut i wanna know.
b4 last night, i'd got a grand total of 10 sleep hrs in the last 48 hrs, so i was knocked out bad this morning. like step in2 class 20 mins late kinda bad. & i didn't even walk the way here neither...
as stuff falls apart...
ppl get incoherent.
i see it. i feel that nobody else is seeing it but me. & that's a tad frustratin' -- like i wanna snatch a body up out this, & yell in their frickin' face, "look around u, u freakin' putz!!! it's breaking down...i'm breaking, u're breaking, him over there...her w/ the baby stroller...him on the cellphone, dat kid drivin' the bus, the frickin' dread behind the counter...can't u c it? look: it's here...in my writing...it's there, in that letter u readin'. it's in yr course description...it's in yr lease agreement, it's on the 10 o'clock news...it's on the website, it's @ the store, it's...
e'rywhere."
but i seem 2b the only one getting like this.
perhaps cuz i'm the one steadily...
fallin', real hard & real fast
& real quick, from almost e'ry seam.
it never stops...it just pauses.
my lil' brother turned 18 yesterday. i can't even say i envy him -- he's entering the ugliness i've been in 4 the longest, & i just hope he handles it better. @ 16, 17 i was brainstorming 4 suicide notes & pulling away from ppl. he's made it this far w/out crumbling far as i know -- i wish i could be there w/ him. 2 help him. 2 school him. 2b 4 him what nobody was 4 me back then. 2 save him...2 celebrate w/ him, & tell 'im that i'm proud of him even tho i've never made it known. that i love him 2 death & that i'm there, no matter what. that i care enuff 2 put myself on the line 4 him. that i'll explain best as i can the bevy of ?estions that life throws @ u & u keep trying 2 throw back.
& then i'd crack a Mitchell&Ness joke...
& we'd hug & he'd see me cry 4 the first time since i dunno how long...
& he'd know that i was being the realest...
i'd ever been...
w/ anybody. ever.
"we're just all tryna cope man. & just all doin' it really badly..."
(c) me
*smiles*.
*chuckles even*.
right now, i'm runnin' on empty y'know? just my spirit man. like, on all fronts...str8 up&down empty. & i just gotta laugh @ the ridiculousness of it all, 'cuz i was broke down leaking from the eyes in fronta Juan just days ago. & i can't go 2 that place again. been dancin' around it, tryna avoid it...float like a butterfly, nigga. i 'ave a bevy of new prescriptions i ain't filled 'cuz right now every cent i have has gotta be geared 2wards the 9g's the sch is charging me 4 the fall. i'm better tho', but not better enuff 2 skip out on my return visit 2 the dr. i gotta start goin' 2 those jawns -- i'm screwin' myself over, walkin' away w/out no followups. i need new stuff too -- txt bk 2 buy 4 the summer, txtbks 4 the fall. sch supplies. heck, i been needin' new socks & boxers 4 a minute & a half. really stretchin' things right now, & then that missions contribution. man...
i'm sitting here, literally like...
"what i'ma do now?" (c) Budden.
but w/out worrying just yet. just wondering -- depression. poverty. sch. spiritual-life. relationships. like, it's 2 many things 2 fix & solve & stress over, so i...
"i just gotta laugh @ the ridiculousness of it all".
& take Debo's advice man. that kid is goin' thru it too -- him & his sister both, but i dont think i'll ever 4get...wednesday. after all the hoopla, just sittin' in the pews while the other cats filed out & chitterchattered. we exchanged grievances & encouragement, in the world-weary half-hearted way we tend 2...cynical & sarcastic as Africans be. the Nigerian & the Ghanaian. right there, relatin'...& the only reason he *does* relate 2 me, 2 such an extent & has latched on2 me like that...in a close & genuine way that he doesn't w/ nearly nobody else?
"dude, all u can do is make it thru 2day...that's it. & if u make it thru 2day? there'll be a 2morrow..."
'cuz we connect. that's y.
'cuz on sum level that i don't even understand, & on a very specific level that we don't even share as far as music or movies go...
right there...
he knows a bit of what i'm goin' thru.