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2003-08-06 4 11:12 a.m.
the last 2 nights i've drifted off around one & got up @ 6...both nights. my class is 10 in the morning so that gives me oodles of time 2 while away, which i do. i throw a lil' productivity in there 2, i guess. just enuff 2 keep me going. keep the engine running, as it were. i think i'm gonna start seriously doing the nap thing.
my focus has been shifting as i learn more abt myself, & more abt what surrounds me. it's inspiring & forward-hrusting but copmletely challenging as well, 'cuz i rebel so hard. it's so much easier 2 just give in2 yr nature & conform. 2 just "be", w/out calming or disciplining or tempering or putting any effort @ all in. so much easier, & so much more destructive.
i've realized i've been caring 2 much abt what goes on around me, & not what goes on inside. the storm in the teacup has been raging 4 so long, & the situation just gets more debilitating so i really don't HAVE no frickin' time 2b stressing abt this person or that person's lack of love or him/her igging me or the waning levels of committment or dedication i c in this/that. all of that is important but none of that'll get me thru *this* -- the here & now.
only me & my pops up above r responsible 4 that, & i realized...i'd 4gotten that. i'd become so frickin' distracted & so unfocused that my own words stopped resonating w/ me. i remember how clearly & lucidly i stressed 2 Patrice, back...way back...like dude, nothing else will get u 2 that other side but the personal relationship. its not abt devos or d-times or d-groups or even quiet times or disciplers or any of that bull. it's not even abt church or communion or fellowships or any of the other stuff we throw in2 the equation, necessitating when it's not necessary...& complicating things.
it's abt u & its abt God & if u're not best friends, then everything else is pointless -- it's just "religion" all over again. & i remember those days. & unfortunately i've been revisiting them, & it took getting that deeply entrenched 2 wake me the heck up.
but i'm awake now.
& i'm planning on staying that way.
even tho' that's a herculean task w/ so much arrayed against u; 's like it's impossible 2 make it. day/night i'm on sum "throw in the towel" stuff, constantly. & i hate myself 4 being so doubting, so faithless & so weak -- am i the only one who gets so bloody fatalistic abt all this? y am i considering giving up on a daily basis y'know? y am i collecting pain & agony & self-pity & building my own fortress w/in which to lock myself up...
y do i get so immobilized, where i can't move or motivate? y me? y've i gotta deal w/ it? y am i like this...?
i mean i really...REALLY go thru it.
even w/ the little things, & it's y i'm so tired all the time i think. so mentally & emotionally drained -- it's cuz i'm fighting the entire world & fighting myself @ the same time. & sometimes i feel like the latter is the stronger of the 2 adversaries -- the more determined 4 me 2 fail.
i'll be inches away from calling it quits & them sumn'll happen...
again
& again
& again
& again
& again
until i throw up my hands & go fine, i'm still in this. it's insane, but it's what i live daily.
damon is $8,000 in debt 'cuz he got put in a hospital 'cuz of depression & suicidal thoughts. & he didn't even have the self-injury card 2 play. i look @ him & the mere thought scares me 'cuz i know how little, if anything @ all separates me from him. but then i look @ 'im again & i c sum1 in recovery. sum1 healing & changing & growing by leaps & bounds & i'm like aight...
maybe. just maybe it'll all "be alright".
just need 2 keep workin on these planks in my eye, man. f'get the specks in the proximity. they rilly ain't worth it, Eli. they rilly ain't.