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2003-08-20 4 11:15 a.m.
suc·cu·bus ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sky-bs) also suc·cu·ba (-b)
n. pl. suc·cu·bus·es or suc·cu·bi (-b, -b) also suc·cu·bae (-b, -b)
A female demon supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with a man while he sleeps.
An evil spirit; a demon.
i can't really remember the last time i slept...well.
"i'm sick o' niggas lyin, i'm sick o' b--ches hawkin'...matter fact? i'm sick o' talkin'..."
(c) Biggie
's been almost 2 weeks since my last *real* entry. can't explain explain y i've been MIA, neither. just have.
when u make it yr business 2 make appearances, ppl make expectations 4 u 2 live up 2, i guess. & i aint been fulfilling 'em.
aint been sleeping either, & that's been rough. this past day/2 has been better, but i was on the tip of break down when the weekend came 'round. & what the heck am i goin-goin-goin 4? absolutely nothing. lying up, tossing, turning & changing positions is what, man. rough nights & even rougher days.
every morning's a struggle, but what else is new right? situations is stayin' static 4 a hot minute. but i have belief. & that wakes me up, carries me thru my day & keeps me from crashin' come sundown so i'm blessed & i'm good. i'm thankful.
if i have my wallet/discman in my pockets, my jeans wont stay on my waist. i've also lost 10-15 lbs this summer, being poor. translation 4 'being poor' = spending 5-8 hrs of my week walking, spending all my grocery money on 10cent noodles & steady OD-ing on water. fighting chest infections w/out prescriptions that're 2 expensive 2 fill. just tryna maintain inspite of this/that, & trying my best not 2 get jaded & bitter...which i've spent most my life being.
but every other hummer & jaguar & range & escalade & mercedes i pass...
tries my patience just *that* much more.
so i burn another 20 CDs & find comfy routines 4 myself. summer sch is over & i got the A grade i worked so hard 4 & i'm pleased & proud w/ myself & my parents arent mad & my GPA is up but not up enough & i still owe 9G's for the fall & a 40G a year pricetag 4 a simple education is a bit too frickin' much but who am i 2 say? i'm just a lowly alien...
*gag-inducing chuckle*
this is yr life, & it's ending one minute @ a time.
yesterday Patrice called the sch & w/ 10 minutes of talking, max, she dropped her fees from 8 to 2 G's. u play w/ the cards u have right? my cards say: nonAmerican in America. translated out've jargon-ese they say: disadfrickin'vantaged. which i guess is ok b/c women r opressed & asians r stereotyped & the ghetto-poor can't pay off their loans...
so i'll bear my burden on sum Atlas ish.
4 as long as i can @ least.
struttin' thru the chaos & igging it 2 the best of my ability, frequently blinded by lust & dreams & hopes -- whether warranted or not.
my parents still want me 2 take this miniature-vacation up 2 hick-ville, tennessee & the way i'm feeling, i'm seriously considering it. but goshdarnit, things = far from being solved down here. i still gotta make near daily trips 2 school 2 fight 4 the right 2 be here. i think existence is always allowed, it just depends on the context --
u can exist...just not in my class unless u're properly registered...
u can exist...just not in my university unless u're prepared 2 give us 40 grand a year in cold hard duckets, or con(vince) us in2 finding a smidget of compassion 4 u...
u can exist...just not on this field unless the 8-10 soccer wenches haven't reserved it 4 their kicking pleasure...
u can exist...just not in the school of engineering unless u're prepared 2 take accelerated calculus & digital logic & labs up the wazoo...
u can exist...just not...
u can exist...if only u'll...
u can exist...
...{{why is it so hard? friggin' A, man!}}...
