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that vewdew that yew dew 2003-10-23 4 5:10 p.m. it's being idle that sparks it. u run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run... & then the moment u stop, all the past that u've been trying 2 stay one step ahead o' comes crashing back in, like so many starving wolves out the blackened forest of a Bram Stoker novel. i got sick this weekend. chest infection. again. hacking up the good green stuff on the regular -- my throat's no longer lacerated, thank God but stuff is still outta order. i spent nearly the whole day cooped up in my room, missing every single class 4 the day. b4 yesterday my attendance was perfect in every class but one. in a single 24hr span i shattered that. rolling, tossing, turning...to & fro & such. it was around late morning that it hit... what am i doing? this is worthless... i'm worthless... why do i bother? gosh, i suck so much... look @ how pathetic i am... why can't i muster motivation? all the razors i have are blunt aren't they? can i afford another pack, broke as i am? gosh, i'm pathetic... here comes the breakdown... i was crumbling under the weight of my own contemplations when patrice finally made it back around, & barely communicating. i prayed outta desperation, not obligation. need, not duty. i halted the progression down the pit, but it opened my eyes sum'n hard...it'd been a long long while that i'd had 2b pushed right up 2 the end of the pit. teetering on the circumference, knocking pebbles down there w/ my jittery steps. gazing, terrified yet strangely drawn still...this black yawning whole full of familiarity. it's almost w/drawal, the way u approach it...like coming home 2 an old friend u know it gonna mess yr walk up again. i kicked the friend 2 the curb. i hope he doesn't come back around. things r good right now. the house is in order. it's clean & swept & sum'n 2b semi-proud of, even. school is going. both of the exams i've taken were 90's. quizzes have ranged from 90's to 0's. attendance, like i said, has been near flawless. i probably coulda made it 2 class if i was motivated enuff, but the sickness was debhilitating enuff 2 where it was more than excusable. still a choice, but one w/ convincing backing to give it legitimacy. the papers are setting up on the frontline ready 2 take aim & fire @ me. i'm not ready, but i pray i will be. 4 english courses in a single semester mean u better well be, holmes. my hard drive crashed & i emergency soulseeked my files 2 Patrice's new machine. brand spanking toshiba jawn that we picked out 2gether -- killer of a deal...750 big ones, minus the rebates & service plan. my pops dropped 2grand on mine 2 years ago, & it wasnt half as kitted out. it's back up & running, but i'm going easy on the kid & killing the excessive empeethreeing 4 a hot minute. a very hot minute, maybe 4 ever. i'd like 2 get a whole new drive in there, but that's all ethereal 4 now. there's more important things 2 drop duckets on...mario kart comes out in 3 weeks. *smiles* the kid is still both the kid & a kid... wreck.og.nas... i'm going home 4 christmas. i think. i was apprehensive...no, stop lyin' son: i was str8 up against it. but that call from moms 2day just rammed the point hecka-home that they need me & i bring that sunshine w/ a vengeance in2 their lives. i get comfy on my own, & complacent w/ the separation, i know. but i love 'em 2 death & e'y member of that fam needs me. moms 4 the love & support, physically & emotionally. pops b/c he's got all his hopes & faith resting upon my atlassed-out shoulders & running a company is stressing him sum'n serious. my cousin 'cuz he doesn't have a peer 2b a good influence, nor sum1 2 beat the chicks off w/ a stick, nor sum1 2 regale him w/ fascinating tales of "yankee". & my brother cuz...dude, he's my lil' brother, nuff said. i'ma try & set up reservations by this weekend. i hate credit cards & unpaid expenses but this needs 2b done, so yeah i'ma bow 2 it this time. dont think the man's got me tho'. i'ma never succumb. i shouldn't be wasting my time here. 17 credit hours of work is waiting 4 me... but i had 2 drop. ...man cannot live off hiphop & God alone. he needs a lil' outlet, expression...a faucet 2 turn on/off when the need presents itself. a present 2 present himself w/. a dream 2 fulfill. a love 2 nurture. a canvas 2 paint on. he needs it all. the pressures of life mandate it. & God knows them's is sum motherfrickin' pressures, bucko. purn: u owe yr diary sum text. i've done two more workshops since that first one, both of which i impressed w/ finesse. the visions hard 2 transfer 2 cats, but they're really feeling the kid's stuff. & we got sum nice swordsmen in that class, so it's high accolades indeed 2 stay unshredded 4 so long. i'm liking this batting average. holla atcha toy... soljah: i had no idea abt good ol' Will & his coloured fetish. that's sum other stuff f'rill, thanks 4 the look. Just another fan:...until u test that love w/ action, rather than words & feelings. faith&deeds, faith&deeds. everything else is dead, friend. it's a tandem thing. no plane flies w/ just a single wing. Lou: man, u never cease 2 suprise me. e'thing i think u DON'T check, u stay checkin'...have me watching my back & covering my trails soon. it's good 2 c u alive & well, & even better 2 c u care. u've been & remain wunna my most truest friends. we'll link up, but 4 now...whut the heck happened 2 vet-school?! myself: sumtimes, kid...i sit back & marvel @ how far u've come...& i know u prefer the ras kass version & e'thing man but..."we-gone-make-it, we- gone-make-it" (c) Warlocks. know'dis. 2003-10-13, 10:35 am : ashanti turned 23 today. as talent-less & undeserving as i may think chick is... ...will i have accomplished that much, 3 years from now? 2003-10-09, 9:42 pm : "Then will I swear beauty herself is black, And all they foul that thy complexion lack." -- Shakespeare, Sonnet 132. 2003-09-26, 10:18 am : listening 2 old Alice In Chains, i now know where Tool got their basslines from. this is music. passion, the very essence of human being...bottled up w/ a generous sprinkling of rage & shaken until... *implosion* no. u really don't know me like u think u do...& yes, i do mean u. ...<<>>... 2003-09-15, 11:50 am : today i workshop 4 the first time. *sigh* previous - next