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2003-11-28 4 1:57 a.m.
i think b/c i spent most of my life falling apart, it's almost instantly recognizable in others 4 me...& it's also a little scary. in an offputting, i'm tryna get away from u right now sorta way...& yet, like the sick, twisted voyeur u r, u stick around 2 c how the ending plays out, huh?
there's insecurity all around me & it's a trip actually. how frickin' fake r these facades man? the most flamboyant, inyrface, cocksure folks...or the cats w/ the silent swagger of conceit...or the selfrighteous "hey don't tell me how 2 do this or what mistakes i might've made" folk...the list goes on. so many masks, so many coverings, so little realism. so few ppl willing 2 face themselves...who they r, what they r...or more importantly:
who they aren't.
the truth frickin' hurts but gosh...
go in 4 the surgery, get the tumour removed in one fell swoop, instead of ignoring it & dying a slow painful cancerous death. *sigh*
um...
i've been learning how 2 fend in my life & that's breeding this quiet constancy. u fend off lust, u fend off materialism, u fend off shyness, u fend off depression, u fend off despair, u fend off guilt, u fend off hopelessness, u fend off self-deprecation, u fend off more lust...
& u live this nice little variated even-keel existence, headed in a direction u (let's not kid ourselves here) have no knowledge of, w/ whom...u have no idea...& 2 do what -- beats friggin' me...
i have enuff hair now 2 part it & perform ridiculous andre 3000 type gimmicks w/ it. it's like a big pillow attached 2 yr cranium -- especially now that it's fully picked out 2 semi-perfection. yes, i'm staying w/ "respectable folk" 4 the holiday so yes, i have 2 look the part. no wild, almost-dreads sticking up, getting their praise on...
if i wasn't so chubby, i'd prolly cut it all off but...
i think it accents my face. or detracts from the horridity...either/or.
it's nice hanging out in the burbs. no man is an island they say? ha. hardly. i think we complicate things 2 much. that's our speciality as humans. that's what we're good @ -- always been good @. taking the simple, the basic, the brief...& making it unbearable w/ all our complexities. i can hear jill scott on the frickin' hook right now.
if it wasn't so cold, i'd be taking long walks around the neighborhood, hunting down that hiefer "inspiration"...
's hard work being a child prodigy.
's harder work no longer being a bloody child...
"& motherfkers think these are metaphors?! i speak what i see..."
^^^ those words come 2 me, spoken aloud in my head @ least 3, 4 times every day for a while now...unbidden. what's most disturbing is not 'why on earth?!'...but the strange fact that they feel so right, so comfortable, so laced w/ truth. i wrap them around my shoulders & they fit perfectly. almost as if mine...