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2003-12-16 4 1:49 a.m.
dis·till also dis·til ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-stl)
- To increase the concentration of, separate, or purify by or as if by distillation.
we think...a lotta the same things.
just, we're scared to voice them.
i want honesty.
that's what's choking me. us...
'cuz there isn't any. isn't candid, isn't upfront & real. it's all bottled up & covered...& then it ends up exploding & damage control is a nightmare. i feel a lotta things...i just need 2 stop feeling & start speaking. we don't say everything that we could so that we can say later 'oh, you misunderstood'.
i think...
i've been medicating my condition(s?) w/ music. been quietly noticing the debauchery, & haven't spit @ any1 abt it. it doesn't seem 2b smthg i can stop. i know i can't listen 2 them all, i know i'm not paying attention 2 half of what i have. but it's smthg 2 do, smthg 2 take yr mind & make it churn & work or @ least distract it enough. no, u aren't the 1st 2 notice.
i slept 3 hrs this morning. from 8am to 11am. the night was sleepless. not a wink.
the night before last i took apart a blue disposable. two shiny new bendable stainless steel friends can be made out've a single blue disposable. excuse me for how vague this is, but the ugliness of it all is finally creeping up on me. my resolve had given way 2 folly & i searched 4 smthg familiar. b4 i could get too familiar -- right b4...i got a knock on the door. friend from across the hall dropping off my music & conversating. another friend came by & by the time i realized, the night was over...
i spoke 2 a long lost friend sometime last week. first convo in like a year. my mentor, my teacher is what i call him...he never accepted the title but i owe everything i know abt & feel for hiphop to him. music, period. & to know that someone i started out w/...us both having deviated 2 different places & on diff paths...yet turned out so similar. well, w/ a few differences. soundgarden hasn't grown on2 me yet & kurt cobain's voice does nothing for him. he thinks jay's blueprint II surpassed biggie's life after death...
but we're on the same exact wavelength...& that. that warmed my heart. it made me feel...validity almost. like i wasn't alone, like what i was doing was worth it. like my opinions, my passions...these meant smthg. all from a simple affirmation that some1 else was @ least in part...living the life i was.
...i spend about half of everyday researching music i aint heard...
so do i, Yaw.
i'm a bit worried abt going home. had nightmares abt being denied re-entry, & it took me a few days 2 realize i'd even dreamt such a thing. i'm not sure what's gonna happen while i'm there. my most introspective in the last 3 years has been while there. given time 2 think, i've analyzed myself into Edgar Huntly catacombs.
i'm worried abt what'll be waiting 4 me when i come back around. my parents don't have money & i don't have financial aid. the scholarship rug has been yanked 4 a while. what to do?
scared.
terrified i'll never be good enuff 4 myself. comparing ourselves amongst ourselves. the deception is evident the moment u take a step outside yr own perspective...
but who ever does that?
who ever...wants to?
that'd be biting the hand of a frost-bitten eminence, right?
life isn't meant to be contemplated. life is meant to be lived.
v. dis·tilled, also dis·tilled dis·till·ing, dis·til·ling dis·tills, dis·tils
v. tr.
- To separate or extract the essential elements of
