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2004-03-23 4 5:33 a.m.
lol. when u yahoo the phrase "nigga's poems", me & Karas come up.
i have been having insanely lucid dreams for two days now.
it makes no sense. like none. but it's almost terrifying. colors, words, sounds, people, faces, past memories. it's all in there.
there was the one...where i was in the room w/ the sloping ceiling & i pushed against the wall to collapse the house & rearrange the bed...then talked to the room w/ sinister music playing in the background. i don't think i'd ever played out the role of full-on bad guy, or @ least not that i recall, until that night...that dream.
then there was the one on an ivy league campus in the fall, or perhaps spring. duke, yale, stanford...wunna them jawns. crowds of ppl streaming into an old building. a girl gets stopped & handed a trucker hat 'cuz it's a tradition that whoever's birthday it is gets to wear the hairpiece. the hipster-looking girl in the chuck taylors w/ the lip ring in the centre of her face. i felt like a camera angle. ppl walking past me...
then there was the one where i just lost my cool completely & things went down that shouldn't have, but i allowed them...& had to cut things off b/c of...an appointment? & threw a pause in the game, then rushed back...alternately slowing/quickening my steps as my mind went "no, forget abt it"/"c'mon, go home & finish the job". & i was controlling the events of the dream...which i think i've only ever done daydreaming.
the one where i was chastized by the group as kim read from a book about life & i got jumped on for my behavior, actions & attitudes...& it felt so much like reality that i carried the guilt around all of yesterday, & began self-evaluating hardcore. i mean those who should've been on my side just...weren't.
& finally, just now...what i woke up from. the hotel rooms. selom & kweku selorm muckin' about the room, getting ready to be out. selom & his "selom don't play video games" comment...the way niggas caught me spyin'.
i dunno...
i've spent the last 6-8 months supressing so much of my life...keeping myself from talking abt it for some strange, makesnofrickin'sense reason that i haven't quite figured out yet. & now bits & pieces, none of them fully coherent either as a whole or even as a part...are bursting to the surface of my consciousness like these gap-filling demons intent on bringing all to the light. thought, attitude, dream, desire, will. none of it has meaning or even import as specifics...(they're like a kanye-west album; full of half truths) but if you distill them down to the essence & take them out of context, make 'em more universal...they provide a sorta commentary. abt where i've been @ i guess? i feel like brittany murphy: "i'll never te-e-e-e-e-ll". the craziest thing is that it isn't even obstinacy. more like...
...desperation?