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2004-07-13 4 11:41 a.m.
Father, i'm really weary now.
just plain tired. i don't feel hopeful, i don't feel trusting, i don't feel anything i should. & i know i shouldn't trust my emotions but they're dragging me every which way right now father. but i thank you inspite of that. i thank you that in all things you work for the good of those who love you lord & i love you. i have nothing else to love right now, so that'll really show how much i love you. i've tried but my focus hasn't been on you enough father, i've moonlighted b/n you & everything else in my life. music, school, work. lord thankyou for being trustworthy. for being faithful. for having a love for me that famine, shipwreck, sword, whatever...cannot separate me from or deny me of. thankyou that even when others don't love me or love me enough, you do. thankyou that you are my rock, my support, my foundation. that every good thing i have comes from you & will always come from you. lord thankyou that you mean more than anything else in or outside my life. that you are more important & that you are worth it. worth so much more than i've been acting like. father heal my heart please...touch me, comfort me, console me. lead this tangled mess into your glory. lead it into a place that's good for both of us. that's best. lord make straight paths for my feet & keep me on them. keep me walking w/ you & wherever love & my heart should go, please lead me there. even as i dangle w/out my safety net right now, i feel what it *should* feel like to be a disciple & to trust only you, love only you, believe in & rest on only you. thankyou for teaching that to me & thankyou for everything else i have yet to learn from you. thankyou that i'm justified in you. thankyou that what others may find unpleasant or unattractive or ridiculous in me, you embrace. thankyou that you would even pick me. & that you loved me in my most unlovable state. i pray i can cling to you during this time. be an encouragement & a help to those around me, even in my difficulty. lord please let your spirit bring me through safely & successfully. & even though i don't see the light @ the end of the tunnel, i believe it's there. & i trust you to lead me to it. be there for patrice & help her deal w/ all her issues & her sin. keep her safe & protect her. & cleanse my heart of any bitterness or resentment towards anyone. her, her friends, those who give advice & meddle. whatever. just help me overcome my critical, fault-finding nature & give grace. & focus on you through it all. thankyou father for listening. & giving me someone to hold onto. in jesus' name i pray, w/ thanksgiving.
amen.