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2004-07-15 4 4:23 p.m.
doing a lot better.
much, i think.
i'm learning how to be a really good represser. the other night i slept w/ razors at the foot of the bed...i'd dragged them there after wiping my face clean of the tears i'd been crying that night. in linda's house earlier. back at juan's apartment, by the sink. i even unzipped the pouch. but i was too...i dunno. i succeeded, though. it's been more than an academic year. an entire academic year, almost a whole calendar year. i don't remember the last time i was feeling this messed up though.
i'm learning something else too...i'm not sure what it is. it might be love for myself, it might be security. i don't know. but i realized that through all this & more...the cumulative effect of trying to force yrself on one particular person & multiple others @ the same time for extended periods of time & being rejected time & time again...makes you insecure. makes you like but not love who you are & what you are. b/c nobody else seems to. you talk & folks don't listen. you advise & folks ignore. you suggest & they reject. & so you doubt yrself w/out knowing...& you lower yr own opinion of yrself. u're hesitant to share things anymore...share yr heart 'cuz nobody seems to want it. too eccentric, too quirky, too regid, too passionate, too whatever it is...
too much for them.
& quickly, it becomes too much for me. oh, i still indulge myself. i still do what i do, enjoy what i enjoy etc...but there isn't satisfaction & security in it 'cuz the validity has already been questioned by those other ppl in my sphere. & so all this, sorta...having the avalanch crash down on me...that makes me have to remember that guy again.
that eli guy. & remember what was dope abt him to begin w/. what mattered. what made the things that mattered matter. & it's an experience. a good one...'cuz for the first time in a long time, i feel sincerity. not on the outside, 'cuz i've w/drawn from ppl a lot...but @ least on the inside. being true to myself. understanding why, for instance, i love hiphop...& think it might be the most beautiful music there is, period. why i write...why it was my lifeblood & still is, even as i skirt my penmanship duties...why i'm logical, why i'm motivated by reason.
who the heck i am.
even as other ppl question that person & reject the packaged deal he comes w/. like dre, i'm beginning to be a lot more self-contained. & i'm tryna regulate it...'cuz the urge to completely crawl up & forget those around me who've done so much hurting...is too tempting. it's the most efficient survival tactic for a reason, y'know? self-focus. doing you. looking out for number one.
*sigh*.
if only it was that easy...
i should start walking home.
wasting time here.