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2004-09-19 4 2:13 a.m.
she smiles at me & wants what she doesn't know how to ask for. & yet she doesn't know how to ask for it specifically b/c she doesn't know what she's asking for. & she doesn't know what she's asking for 'cuz she doesn't know what she wants. so she looks at me...touches me...reaches for me, grips an arm, clasps a waist, pulls a lock of hair, all the while looking at me. & i refuse to look back...b/c i hate to see the confusion in those eyes. i hate to see the double-mindedness. i pray for resolution, but i know that to be resolute isn't in her nature anymore. it hasn't been for a good 3 months. & so i alternate myself b/n being resolute & being confused...or perhaps hopeful. for me they've almost become one & the same thing. some things are made to be abandoned, let go of...fickle, temporal things. things you grasped so hard once that now slip through yr fingers, almost mockingly. & yet like smoke in yr clothes, never leaves you...refuses you the respite. ha. i've gotten much better at watching, waiting, learning...instead of yearning. i heard God speak to me today in the words Dre said & it was startling...
"focus"
"you'll just end up going back to yr depression"
an entire year, clean. & then i go &...mess up?
stings. but it's summer & i can get away w/ long shirts again...
sleeves are smthg i'll have to get back used to. i hope this is the first & last in a long long while...i wanted "forever".
the hardest failures are the ones that you knew didn't have to be.