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2004-09-30 4 3:53 a.m.
i hate giving excuses for who i am...
even when they're valid.
i must have missed at least 4 classes in this past week alone.
yeah, four.
ppl move on.
this is smthg i always knew, but thinking abt the way boredom plays into this mechanism isn't smthg i'd always done. ppl need smthg in their life; resistance, challenge, drama, grit. whatever moniker it's given, it's still essential. ppl need that, even if it brings them strife, embarassment or steadily knocks them off their pedestals. when the novel becomes regular, though, all bets are off.
i'm normal on the inside.
on the outside, i still illicit comments such as "i'm glad we have people who look like you in the church"...
but on the inside, even my own personal neurosis cocktail wears thin after time. grates, even. the paranoia, the insomnia, the obsessive analytical mind...all this becomes normalcy, too, on a long enough time frame.
out w/ the old...
i'm sitting here sipping grape fanta & reading blogs, riding out this insomnia. it's 3.40am & somewhere w/in the last hr or so, i decided that it was better to truck through zero hrs of sleep than three. if i were to attempt a three-hr nap right now, my body would rebel like it did on tuesday & refuse to wake up. the havoc of missing 3 classes & not finishing/turning in a paper isn't smthg i'm overly eager to repeat. so, yeah.
three more hrs of awake time at least.
the pinched nerve in the left side of my neck/shoulder makes this an unattractive prospect. the 2 chapters i have to read before 8 o'clock, & the one page paper i have to read for & write before 1 o'clock also aren't helping.
edit: 11:57 am
took some muscle relaxers patrice gave me, & i didn't make it. it's midday & i missed another 3 classes. the tally is currently up to 7. *sigh*. i don't wanna do this anymore...
my life is ruining my life.